Funeral Etiquette
The passing of a loved one is never easy for family, friends, or acquaintances. And while every situation is different, there are some things that you can do in most cases that will comfort the bereaved, allow you to pay your respects, and ensure that your good intentions do not interfere or complicate the grieving process of those you seek to help. Here are some general guidelines you can follow to navigate the often times challenging circumstances that accompany the funeral and burial process.
When to visit
Once news of a death is received, close friends of the family may visit to offer sympathy and ask if there's anything they can do to help. Waiting to visit the family at the funeral home is also appropriate. Since the family will be prepared to see visitors in this context, this setting may be more comfortable than a home visit for both you and them.
At a visitation
There is no formal rule for how long to stay at a visitation, but in general, it is only necessary to stay for as long as it takes to express your sympathy. In some cases, as little as fifteen minutes is adequate.
What to say
Appropriate expressions of sympathy vary from case to case and person to person. Kind remembrances of the deceased and simple words of understanding and encouragement are always acceptable. If you struggle to come up with words, don't worry—a comforting hug can say more than words ever could.
Religious and ethnic considerations
The customs for proper conduct in funeral and burial practices vary from faith to faith and even form location to location. For instance, in families of Jewish faiths, interment of the deceased usually occurs within twenty-four hours, but even then, the exact procedures will vary depending on whether the family practices Orthodox or Reform Jewish faith.
To ensure that you are acting in accordance with the appropriate customs and practices, please consult comprehensive etiquette guides, such as those available from Emily Post or Amy Vanderbilt.
Funeral Home Visitations
Formal visitations are common, especially in Protestant and Catholic faiths, and provide a scheduled time and place for friends and acquaintances to offer their expressions of sorrow and sympathy to the family of the deceased. In most cases, the date, time and location of the visitation will be listed in the obituary.
When you arrive at the funeral home, follow the apparent method for approaching the family. In some cases, receiving lines are formed and in others, the visitors and family members are free to move about and greet each other as they wish. While it is normal to feel somewhat apprehensive, do not feel as though you cannot talk fondly about the deceased or that you must have something "profound" to say to the family. Simple gestures like hugs and understanding embraces can go a long way. Also, if you were not generally known to the family of the deceased, it is always advised to introduce yourself immediately upon contact so they can place you in context of their loved one's life.
Actually viewing the deceased is not considered mandatory, but if offered by the family, a short, silent prayer or moment of silence at the deceased's side is generally appreciated. At the visitation, it is important to sign your name in the register book if one is provided, and to note your relationship to the deceased if not readily known to the family.
Your presence alone will mean a lot to the family, and although you do not need to stay for the entire visitation, you should avoid leaving during any prayers that might be offered.
Other Ways to express your sympathy
If you are able, a personal visit is always the most meaningful expression of sympathy, but if personally visiting the family is not possible, there are other suitable ways to express your sympathy.
E-mail can be used by individuals who are not intimately connected to the family. If you are a business associate or a former neighbor, a thoughtful email message of concern is generally acceptable.
Flowers
Flowers may be sent to the funeral home or to the family residence. In some cases, donations are requested in lieu of flowers. If so, you should honor that request.
Food for the family
With everything that is likely going on following the passing of a loved one, preparing meals is often the last thing family members want to think about. Preparing meals or other foods that require little or no work other than reheating for the family can be a welcomed gift and one that can help to feed visitors if a reception is held after the funeral or visitation.
Mass Cards
If the deceased was Catholic, some people choose to send a mass card instead of, or in addition to flowers. Arrangements for a mass to be said for the deceased can be made both Catholics and non-Catholics alike. It is also acceptable to arrange for a mass on the anniversary of the deceased's death.
Memorial Gifts
A memorial gift is always appropriate, especially when the family has noted it as preferential to gifts of flowers or other tokens of generosity. The family will usually designate a specific charitable organization or charity for memorial contributions. It's important to remember to provide the family's name and address to the charity so they can send them the proper documentation. If you'd like, it is acceptable to tactfully mention your gift in a sympathy note to the family without disclosing the amount of the gift.
Phone Calls
If you live or are otherwise out of town when you hear of the passing, you should place a call to the family as soon as possible to offer your sympathy. Be mindful to keep the call brief since others will probably be trying to call as well.
At the funeral service
Funeral services can vary greatly due to differing religious faiths and belief systems and from family to family. Most funerals are held in houses of worship or funeral homes, but can take place in varied locations due to the wishes of the deceased or family.
No matter where the service is held, the proper reverence should always be maintained. This includes promptly being seated and waiting quietly for the service to begin. In most cases, the front rows of seating at any location should be reserved for the family. Once the service concludes, leave when appropriate and, if you are traveling to the final resting site, wait patiently in your car to join the funeral procession. Remember to signify your inclusion in the procession by turning your headlights on.
What to wear
Proper funeral attire can range from formal to casual and is dependent upon the expectations of the deceased and their family. Whatever you wear should convey an image that is respectful to the wishes of deceased and befitting the circumstances of the service. You should be sensitive to any perceived distraction that something you plan to wear might pose.
Men
Generally speaking, men will comfortably fit the respectful atmosphere of a funeral by wearing a suit. A dark suit in black, gray, or navy blue is often a good choice. A collared shirt and tie should accompany the suit.
Women
For women, a dark or neutral colored dress or skirt and blouse are considered appropriate. Similarly colored suits can be worn as well. While it is OK to dress according to the climate, you should be mindful that whatever is worn reflect the appropriate degree of respect and modesty for the occasion.
Children
As much as possible, children should dress in the same manner as the adults attending the service. Boys and girls should be dressed in dark or neutral colors—boys in suits and girls in dresses. If suits and dresses are not available, the children should be dressed respectfully and tastefully to befit the occasion.
Shoes
Shoes should match the outfit you are wearing, but should also be comfortable as there may be a lot of standing and/or walking associated with the funeral and subsequent travel to the final resting place.
Following the funeral
Immediately following some funerals, the family, friends, or fellow church members of the decedent will invite funeral attendees to a home or some other location for food and/or a reception. This gathering allows everyone to share stories and to hopefully relax and unwind after the emotional and difficult events of the day.
Afterwards
Once the funeral and final arrangements are taken care of, the decedent's family is faced with the challenge of moving forward and continuing their lives. How you interact with them in the time following the loss of their loved one can be an important and helpful part of their grieving and healing processes.
If you see the family in public
If you were present at the visitation or funeral, you should treat the family member just as you normally would, perhaps with the exception of asking "how they are doing." If you have not spoken with them since their loved one passed, it is acceptable to express a quick sentiment of sympathy before continuing the conversation. In all cases, you should attempt to judge what is appropriate for yourself as there are many nuances to be cognizant of because there are as many ways to deal with grief as there are people in the world.
Supporting the family in the days and months ahead
The family will continue to enjoy any support and care that can be offered as time moves forward. It is important, if you enjoy the appropriate level of intimacy with the family, to continue to interact and keep in touch, offering your presence and assistance when needed. Social activity and the knowledge of a caring support structure can help a great deal as the family strives for some semblance of normalcy in light of their loved one's absence.
